OK, this definitely falls into the category of, Only the Parent of This Child Would Read This Entire Entry, but this is the closest thing I have to a baby book for her, and I’m saving this, damnit. Or dammit. Whichever you prefer. As far as I know, she has never actually seen the movie of The Little Mermaid, but she has read those wretched Disney storybooks and their “sequels”—hence the appearance of “Malady.” I have no idea from whence came the land snake/sea snake plot twist.

As quoted to the Husband of the Blog, verbatim:

“Ariel Gets Married to Prince Eric and They Decide That Mermaids and Humans Could Go On the Land”

Once upon a time there was a family of snakes and the mom and the baby were regular snakes but it was different because the dad and the sister and the brother were all water snakes and they loved the water. So the mom and the sister were blue and the brother was green and the baby was green and the dad was black, but they loved the sea but there was one problem with the sea, I mean the ocean. Well in the ocean there was lots of sharks, but it was very good actually because they actually liked sharks and their, one of their mermaid friends' (and they liked mermaids too) name was Ariel and but Ariel had a pet fish named Googa wooga toogle wooga was a yellow fish with black stripes and Googa wooga was very funny because he always went, "Googa tooga wwooga lita tita googa woooga tiga, googa wooga is my name." He always said that to Ariel and Ariel said, "What, what, what are you saying I can't understand you, why do you talk in such a silly voice." And the family of snakes, the momma didn't like this because the momma was a land snake and all of the others were water snakes, the only one that was a land snake was the momma.

And the momma was very very silly and because she was silly, because her parents were silly because they were silly, because their parents were silly because they were silly, because their parents were silly because they were silly, which was very very very very silly. And the mom lived in a cage of rocks, because she loved rocks and the sister lived in a cage filled with water, so did the brother and so did the dad, the dad had water that had rocks on the very very bottom and that was not very comfortable so he got a tiny bit of leaves so he put a tiny bit of water into it and he made it into a little cup and he got a piece of grass one day when he was walking on the land and he tied it around the leaves to make it shut so it would - pretend we were making the movie - so he decided to put a whole bunch of water and the kinds of food he liked to eat into there so it could be a bag of food and every single day he went out to make another one so he could survive and he did survive, but he always got tummy aches because he ate four every single day because they were so so so so good.

He really really needed to see Ariel, because it was very very very close to the day Ariel was going on a very long vacation because so he decided to take the kids on a special adventure to her house out in a big big pool of water to see her fish pet Inkle winkle dinkle tink tink wink dink tola and then she had a magical X-wing fighter that could float deep within the big ocean which was totally blue so the bad witch who had octopus legs could not see it and would think it was part of the sea and would swim right in front of it and get crashed by its big cannons and she would think the sea was shooting her, not a big ship. And she loved the way it had so many water cannons and torpedoes on it and it looked like a gigantic shark and she did not like sharks, but she liked sharks and the sea witch did not like sharks because they would eat her kids and she had a kid every single day that would always appear magically and the sharks would eat it because they were Ariel's friends and Arieal was trying to protect herself because she was a very very brave mermaid because she was very good at saving herself.

And the snakes loved this because it was so fun riding in an underwater X-wing fighter, but she didn't tell them that she was actually going on a boat and getting married to her boyfriend Prince Eric. She absolutely didn't tell them because it was very sad to them because they wouldn't see. They decided to be land snakes so they would see Ariel more. And so they on the day of Ariel's vacation she found a big blue boat where her boyfriend was and they decided to hide in it and they were turned into a person now because the bad sea witch gave her a potion to turn into a human because she thought that humans were bad, and she thought that humans would not kill her children and would take away sharks, but they wouldn't because they were afraid of sharks.

It's kinda hard to tell you this, but she was hoping to turn into a human, so she could marry Prince Eric so she got married and then months months later she had a baby and she just remembered that she was trying to name her Malady and Malady once went into the sea, but she too turned into a mermaid. So Ariel turned back into a mermaid and Malady turned back into a human so Ariel turned back into a human so they decided that some humans could go in the water and some humans could go on land and some mermaids and mermen could go in the water and some mermaids and mermens could go on the land.

The end.