The phone company can't hook up a landline for us because they claim our address doesn't exist. The only record they have for a road with this name is in another, nearby township which split from our wee hamlet in 1811. Do you think they had all-in-one packages with call waiting included for only $39.95 per month back then?

Life certainly is simpler out here; today I was declared "Best Mom in the WORLD!" for making Breakfast for Dinner, one of our favorite budget/I-forgot-to-defrost-anything meals. Also, I was awarded the title for buying ranch dip at Wegmans. Does parenting get any better than this? I'll be sure to remind them of this sweet moment when they're teenagers: "Goddammit MOM, why can't I pierce my navel/have my face tattooed/stay out all night with my punk boyfriend? You are the WORST MOM IN THE WORLD!" "But look, I have ranch dip!" I'll cry, waving it in their scowling faces. "And we're having pancakes for dinner!"