The triathlon is on Sunday. SUNDAY. IN TWO DAYS. I have not ridden my bike in a month. I am not going to tell you the last time I swam. I have strep throat. I have an epic, oozing case of poison ivy. I have all sorts of excuses. That said, here is the CURRENT TRIATHLON RACE PLAN:

Saturday prior to race (tomorrow): Pick up race packet and try not to be intimidated by hundreds of super-fit triathletes milling about. Remember to take asthma medication. Drive out to Taughannock and review race course with Melissa and J. Carbo-load in evening with pasta, garlic bread; early to bed.

Sunday: Up at 5:30 for pre-race breakfast of coffee, oatmeal, banana. Last-minute pumping of bike tires, check of equipment. Drive out to park for 7:30 pre-race meeting. Wait around for an hour and a half for our race to start. Try not to have a panic attack. Remember inhaler!

RACE STRATEGY

Swim portion: Craftily allow rest of pack to go ahead—I will avoid getting kicked in the head and getting churned up in their wake as I speed across the lake utilizing my patented sidewinding/dog paddle combination stroke. Goal time: Under 26 minutes.

Transition 1: Remember to remove swim cap before putting on bike helmet.

Bike portion: Concentrate on actually getting both shoes clipped into the pedals before starting up the hill. Eat and drink. Try not to drop water bottle and run over it this time. Goal time: 55 minutes.

Transition 2: Remember to take off gloves and helmet, doofus.

Run portion: Pretend I am listening to Queen ("Fat-Bottomed Girls," "We Are the Champions"), Cake ("Short Skirt, Long Jacket,") and Yes ("Lift Me Up"). Smile and wave as much as possible; ignore urge to collapse and/or throw up. Finish in a sprint! Goal time: 25 minutes.

Reminders to self: Even if I totally bomb, the whole thing will last less time than each of my labors, even the short one. Utilize yoga breathing and powerful imagination to pretend swim portion is not happening. Take asthma medication! Smile!